For a long period of my life, I believed that happiness was measured by the number of friends I had, so I took on the role of shape-shifter. It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school (when I became slightly less introverted) that I formed my first genuine friendship. Of course I had friends growing up, but I never felt as at ease or as confident as I did with KB. KB spoke with her own unique set of mannerisms, was witty, serious when appropriate, and ridiculous in private. I wanted her to like me more than anything, so (without realizing it at the time) I tried to be KB. Now, when I think back to my high school years, it is clear that I lost part of myself in trying to be KB's self-pronounced best friend. After listening to the lecture in our last class, I initially felt disappointed in myself for having let my idolization of someone mold my personality. But now I believe that Sarah Jillings' statement that you have to be yourself before you can form true friendships is incorrect. KB's confidence, sense of humor and loyalty rubbed off on me, and allowed me to feel comfortable enough with myself to not care about what others thought.
KB and I are still great friends, but our friendship has changed. Once I felt confident enough to be myself, KB began to disagree with some of my decisions and started to question some of my actions. It was uncomfortable for a few months, with a few lapses in communication, but eventually we found our way back to each other with a new found sense of gratitude for what each of us brought to the friendship. In my opinion, we are not as close as we used to be (probably because I am no longer her carbon copy and we are at separate schools), but I value her friendship most of all because she helped me find myself and, more importantly, stuck around when I did.
Hey Helena,
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to what you are writing about. I think college is the “great divider” when it comes to friends. We are thrown into this crazy new environment, where there are no rules (or bedtime). Our first friends are ones that our parents make for us. Then, we are confined to the same 200-300 students in our high school. When I first got to college, I was forced upon the classic dilemma, try to “fit in” or be myself. Originally, I wanted to “fit in”. I chose the kids that I thought were “cool” and tried to be like them. We have all heard that the first friends you make in college are not the ones you keep your academic career. I think this is completely true. College is the time to celebrate differences. This ties in with Sarah Jilling’s thoughts on self-actualization. Decide who YOU want to be, and then find friends that are happy with who you are! I am so happy I did not stay with the “cool kids”, but instead found my group of best friends. I would not want to be exactly like them because we are all so different. That is what makes our friend group work!
Thanks for sharing, Helena!
Helena, it was cool to read your story and see that you actually decided to make a change in your relationship eventually. It shocks me how willing some people can be to mimic others in order to fit in or be popular. It's rare to find those who are really authentic from the beginning. I think it's even more rare to see someone like you who was able to escape from lying to themselves and become their own person while still retaining a friendship. Kudos to you for working through your growth with your friend and letting it have a positive affect on your life.
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