A Heart Divided

As we approach the end of this course, it's apt to start to look back and evaluate what we have learned. As part of this reflection, I think it's important to remember that not all manipulation is bad. Janelle made a point of this in class last week and I think it's a good point to make because it is certainly easy to fall into the mentality that all manipulation is bad. This course has cast light upon forces that are constantly at work upon us and we feel deceived because we have never realized it until now. This deception has left a bitter taste in many of our mouths (myself included), but let us remember that not all manipulation is bad.

The best example I can think of right now is my experience spending the Easter weekend with my friends and family in Connecticut. After spending months on my own away from my family, I had forgotten how much I missed them and how happy I am when I'm around them. I forgot how funny my brother, sister and I can be when we're around each. I forgot how crazy yet hilarious my grandmother can be. And I forgot how nice it feels to go back to your childhood home and spend time with the ones who love you most. And now, with a hectic week ahead of me, I realize who precious my time is with them.

But it's not just about missing my family. It has to do more with where I stand in my life right now. As the summer swiftly approaches, I keeping reminding myself that I have so much to be excited about. I'm doing biochemistry research--something that I've dreamed about doing for a long time--and I'm training to be an OA leader. I'm doing things that I absolutely love. However, after this weekend, part of my excitement has faded to apprehension because now I see how I've jumped head first into the world almost forgetting about the people I love most and how hard it really is to see them so infrequently.

So you see, I'm caught in the middle of two powerful forces, one being my drive for independence and to pursue what I love, the other my love and care for my family. You know what they say, home is where the heart is, yet my heart also lies in research and volunteer work. How can my heart be in two places so distinct from one another? Obviously, these are not negative forces, but nonetheless, they are sources of manipulation pulling me in opposite directions. Moreover, just because they manipulate me doesn't mean I rebelliously foreswear them out of self-righteousness (How terrible would that be though? I mean, it's my family). Rather, my job now is to find a middle ground, a compromise between the two, where I can take the best of each as I move forward. 

But God knows how I'll manage to do this. It's so much easier said than done.