Is this external?

Amelia’s extremely well-written blog post about self-manipulation and trying to reach her fullest potential reminded me about how at college, I have tried to be the best version of myself as well.  It also reminded me about how over spring break, I felt I had reverted back into the less confident and unstable version of myself that I thought I had left behind in high school.  

As I talk to my friends from Chicago about this coming summer, and how much fun we are going to have, I feel a wave of doubt wash over me.  I worry that the source of my manipulation is going to come from my home and my high school peers.  I worry that instead of acting with more vulnerability and honesty, in the manner that I have been practicing at college and have slowly improved at, I will be manipulated to once again hide parts of my personality and passions in order to be who I used to be.  I seem to feel the manipulation to be the more insecure yet more comfortable version of myself to be coming from external forces, when in reality, as Amelia brought my attention to, it is really coming from me.